Was the weather in – yes, no – Portugal so good that Sorcha suffered great guilt about the future of what she calls our planet? But on Tuesday, that all changed when a severe depression suddenly blew in from the west – in other words, his former couple came to visit.
In fact, I’m laying by the pool, doing my daily sit-ups topless, when I hear Honor say, “Oh, for God’s sake!” Not those two fucking clowns!
Then I hear Sorcha’s old darling say, “How is it to talk about your grandparents?” because Honor hates them even more than me?
I’m getting up.
I’m like, “She’s right, though – as in, what the hell are you even doing here?”
The old man from Sorcha says, “This is our vacation apartment – and we don’t need your permission to use it.”
Sorcha suddenly comes out saying, “Oh my God! Oh! My real! God! What are you two doing here? »
He said, “We thought we were going to surprise you, Dorling!”
I’m like, “You certainly did that. Two buttons. You ruined this vacation for Honor and me, didn’t you, Honor? »
“I hate them,” she says simply – because she’s a big daddy’s girl. “I would almost burn the apartment down just to not have to watch them next week.”
She jokes. Or at least I think she’s kidding? But then she burned down Garret and Claire’s caravan in Ballycanew last year, so maybe I’ll hide the matches and anything she could use as an accelerant.
Who would be the father of a teenage girl, huh?
Sorcha kisses her former couple in the air, then says, “Please don’t listen to those two. It’s so good to see you. You must be dizzy. We were about to have a borbecue.
“Oh, that would be lovely,” said the old darling of Sorcha, forgetting that I’m the one who’s going to be working on the grill.
“Is he going to put some clothes on first?” The old man of Sorcha leaves, because I don’t think he likes the face view he gets of me on my famous parakeet smugglers.
There I am, “Of course I’m going to put some clothes on”, grabbing my borbecue apron with “Hot Stuff Coming Through” on the front.
I rush to throw meat on the grill as Sorcha and her old couple talk about the weather and how amazing it has been even though it’s a sure sign we’ve destroyed the Earth.
“I remember how you won that environmental gold contest,” his old man says, “when you were in elementary school. The image of the crying planet. If only the world had heeded your warnings in the early 1990s, Sorcha.
They are so full of s, h, un, t.
Honor is on it like a seagull on a kid with a 99. She says, “You flew here, didn’t you?” So how can you complain about the damage we’ve done to the planet when you can just hop on a plane on a whim and fly to Portugal – where you’re not even wanted, by the way ? »
I laugh. I really appreciate Honor’s rants once I’m not the recipient.
Sorcha is like, “Honor, can we please not?”
I’m like, “Yeah, no, she made a valid point, Sorcha,” while flipping the burgers. “Why are they here? They still haven’t said it.
Sorcha says, “They don’t need a reason for…” but then it turns out she caught her old man’s attention and saw something in it. “Oh my God, you have a reason to come.”
It’s his old darling who ends up saying it.
She’s like, “We came to ask you to reconsider your plan – to overthrow Honalee and build apartments in her place.”
“Sorry?” Sorcha leaves.
Her old man is there: “You have upset a lot of people, Dorling. Good people.”
Sorcha is like, “Good people?”
“He means people who have the resources to fight you,” his old darling says. “They will appeal the decision to An Bord Pleanála – and further to the High Court if necessary.”
“Oh my God,” Sorcha said, “they got you, didn’t they?”
Sorcha’s old man is there. “It wasn’t about them. We’ve known the Shottons and the Feltons since long before you were born, Dorling. They came to us and expressed their point of view and we said that we were going to talk to you and try to get you to see things from their point of view.
“Are you taking their side against your own daughter?”
Honor laughs. She’s like, “Oh my God! Hill! Air!”
Sorcha’s old darling says: ‘Andrea fears that if you build a block of flats it will set a precedent that others will follow. And pretty soon, Killiney and Dalkey will end up looking like…”
“Like Quinta do Lago?” I go.
He says, “It’s a Lalor family affair – it has nothing to do with you.”
Sorcha’s old darling says, “They’re just worried – like your dad and I are worried – that a very special corner of the world will be lost.”
Sorcha is there, “He won’t be lost. It will still be there, except even more people will be able to enjoy the view.
“I’m talking about lost…for people like us, Sorcha.”
Sorcha reacts as if stung.
“Oh my God,” she said. “I never considered you snobs.”
Honor is there, “Um, have you ever come across these two buttons before?”
I laugh – no choice in the matter.
Sorcha says, “I’m doing what I’m doing because there’s a housing crisis in this country. We live on land that can accommodate more than a hundred people. I can’t justify this as a citizen – and I can’t justify it as a member of Seanad Éireann.
She’s really speeding up the Irish pronunciation – giving her the full “Shack Nid Hair Khin” – what’s a jerk how upset she is?
Her old man says, “Sorcha, you’re acting like a spoiled brat.”
She goes, “am I?”
He says, “You were given an easy hand in life and that’s how you choose to play it. You just want everyone to think what a great person you are.
Sorcha says, “I want you both to go – now!”
Her old dear is there, “Can I just remind you, Sorcha, this is our apartment?”
I’m like, “Do you want me to throw them on your head, Sorcha?” because nothing would please me more.
But she said, “No, Ross, we’re leaving. Come on, we’re going back to Ireland.